Episode

Transcript

The Devil’s Plaything Episode 1: AutoDemonic Asphyxiation

Written by Diego Herrera & Logan Strahl

SCENE 1: EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS

INTRO MUSIC

SOUND: People talking in the distance on a campus yard.

HILLBILLY PREACHER: (OFF MIC) …dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world! But you, dear children, are blind to the influence of Lucifer! You, my son! You must see it too! The hellfire which surrounds us all! You are all too blind to see it! Like Bartimaeus of Jericho! Let God’s might heal you all now as He did then!

GREG: Wha-What?

HILLBILLY PREACHER: You do see it! You are not like the others, blind to the brimstone bursting from the soil beneath us both! Beneath us all! The Devil cannot pierce you so long as you bear the mark of the Lord!

SOUND: THE PREACHER PUTS A PIN ON GREG

HILLBILLY PREACHER: By God’s almighty grace, you will be purged!

GREG: Uhh (BEAT) Thanks for the Jesus fish man. I’m uh, late for class so I’m…

SOUND: QUICK, PANICKED FOOTSTEPS

HILLBILLY PREACHER : (OFF MIC) Look onto your brother, like the prodigal son, he was lost but now found! When that final hour comes, he will be spared by God’s infinite wisdom! It is y’all who will be cast into hellfire!

SOUND: COLLISION OF TWO PEOPLE. PINS FALL

GARY CARRIE: Oh dang, man he! Quite a stride you got there. Mind helping pick up some of my property?

GREG: I mean- Yea sure. Real quick.

SOUND: LOOSE STATIONARY BEING ASSEMBLED ON A TABLE

GARY CARRIE: So uh what’s your name, my man?

GREG: Oh, uhm, Greg.

SOUND: HANDS CLASPING, SHAKING

GARY CARRIE: Oh, weak grip, nice to meet you Uhm Greg. I’m Gary Carrie. Unrelated but what are your thoughts on free enterprise?

GREG: Uuuuuhhhh- I don’t know. I guess that sounds alright.

GARY CARRIE: It is alright, right? So let’s just say, in this free enterprise, you can sell some things that the totalitarian government deemed illegal, say narcotics. What do you say to that?

GREG: I think I got class so I gotta-

GARY CARRIE: Well before you take off, Uhm Greg, sign my petition? It’s for the ability of children to buy stimulants. I call it Krack for Kids.

GREG: I don’t really feel comfortable with that.

GARY CARRIE: Well, do you feel comfortable about this fascist government saying where you can’t sell crack cocaine? And who is the federal government to regulate elementary school premises? Here, a pin. For the cause!

GREG : Thanks for the pin I’ll be sure to tell someone…

GARY CARRIE: Woah, don’t tell me you are one of those leeches who live off the handouts of others. The pin is two and half dollars. Now, if you aren’t very liquid, I can accept precious metals or bitcoin.

GREG: Oh uh sorry I don’t have any change I only have a hundred on me.

GARY CARRIE: Well you don’t wanna be a thief now do ya?

SCENE 2: INT. CLASSROOM

TRANSITION MUSIC

SCHOOL AMBIANCE

PROF DAVIS: …And so he went through with the deal.

SOUND: GREG WALKS IN WITH PINS RATTLE LOUDLY.

PROF DAVIS: Höfgen’s decision is most definitely analogous to …Uhm, but but but yes, this this would be analogous. And I’m sure a lot of you found this to be the most overt reference in this retelling of the myth. So how else did the filmmakers reinterpret the myth?

SOUND: GREG SITS DOWN, PROFESSOR DAVIS RAMBLES ON UNINTELLIGIBLY.

SAMANTHA : (HOT ON MIC) He’s still meandering through the screening from last week.

GREG: Oh, uh, thank you.

SAMANTHA: (BEAT) I don’t really think we’d benefit much from selling Maine to Canada. Redoing the flags, reorganizing Congress…

GREG: I don’t really follow you.

SAMANTHA: That one says you want to do just that. Nice pin collection by the way.

GREG: Oh, Yea. Uh- Sure, yea. Yea.

SAMANTHA: Wow. You seem quite the decisive person on a lot of things.

GREG: Yea, Samantha, I try to be. (BEAT) Why does everyone have pins?

SAMANTHA: Week of welcome starts later today. It’s all about advertising your shit. And since you seem so decisive on a lot of things, maybe you decide to help me out? For the school’s tv Station. (GREMLIN VOICE) I need more slaves for my programs.

GREG: I guess I can try, I’m a bit busy though, especially now… In the hole for quite a bit with,the uh, all these pins. And I’m not too keen on being a slave, but yea, pretty busy.

SAMANTHA: Busy advocating for the sale of Maine to Canada? …And you said you’re real decisive but you should really pay attention to what pins you put on. I mean like that one there is for repealing the 13th amendment.

SCENE 3: INT. GREG’S DORM ROOM

TRANSITION MUSIC

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

GREG: I got an hour.

SOUND: GREG UNPACKS AND TAKES OFF HIS PANTS. GREG PLACES A LAPTOP ON A TOILET, TYPES QUICKLY, AND MOANS BEGIN TO EMIT FROM THE LAPTOP. GREG TIES A ROPE WITH EASE- A KNOCK ON THE DOOR CAUSES GREG TO SLIP. GREG STRUGGLES TO BREATH AS THE MOANS FROM HIS LAPTOP GROW LOUDER. HIS STRUGGLE SUBSIDES AND THE RINGING IN HIS EARS SPELL HIS DEATH.

DRATHRALAS: You should really consider taking better care of yourself. Even my last host was not such a disgusting oaf of flesh. Is it normal for humans to be this odious?

GREG: (COUGHS & GROGGY) …what?

DRATHRALAS: Excuse me, you must have had something in your throat. … But what I mean is that I did not know that humans are so delicate about their bodies?

GREG: Wha-what is going on? Did I die?

DRATHRALAS: Yes and in a quite unflattering manner. But… because of that, I have brought to you a proposition. One that will make all parties satisfied.

GREG: Who are you? Wh-what is going on? How did I get from the floor to the toilet?

DRATHRALAS: My name is Drathralas. It is my understanding that you know my kind as Demons. And as we previously established, you are dead. My proposition is this: In exchange for your continued control over this fleshy bag, you will bring to me more meat.

GREG: What, like beef?

DRATHRALAS: Less bovine and more… human.

GREG: What, like… dead? I-I can’t do that.

DRATHRALAS: Surely you must be joking. Is that not what humans are known for? I did accounting for the Somme. Murder is the modus operandi of all humans.

GREG: People don’t just kill other people. It’s immoral.

DRATHRALAS: You just killed yourself mere moments ago. You must be a real monster, then.

GREG: That’s different!

DRATHRALAS: It really is not. You killed someone. Yourself.

GREG: That can’t be the same, can it? I-I didn’t mean to anyway! It was an accident! I didn’t come in here to kill myself!

DRATHRALAS: Now I have not kept up to date with the exacts of what is and is not considered a sin with regard to whatever assumptions you have with the afterlife but I am fairly certain that masturbation is a universal sin, as is pornography.

GREG: JERKING OFF IS NOT THE SAME AS MURDER!

TOMMY FOGEL: (THROUGH DOOR) What the fuck.

SOUND: NERVOUS KNOCKING ON DOOR

TOMMY FOGEL: Y’all good in there?

GREG: Yes! Thanks! Fine! Bye!

DRATHRALAS: Listen. You are dead. You have died because of auto-erotic asphyxiation. Your next choices are quite simple. You spend the next hundred or so thousand years atoning for your grave crimes so that you can maybe reach purgatory- which you will likely spend a further hundred thousand years. Or you stay alive and, yes, from time to time you will have to kill someone.

GREG: (BEAT) Eh In Hell, do you guys still turn people into bushes? Like in the game?

DRATHRALAS: No, no, no. We clear cut the forest a long time ago. Needed to make room for more condos. They come back as weeds now which is another problem entirely.

GREG: No. I can’t kill people. I won’t. I’ll just- And don’t I go to hell anyways if I make a deal with the Devil?

DRATHRALAS: Naturally in most circumstances. However, exquisite work is worth some form of compensation.

GREG: What, like having my body permanently back?

DRATHRALAS: More. Perhaps what you want more is to live eternally free of hardship? To live in the light?

GREG: You can’t do that can you? You guys are like demons, right? That’s like the opposite of heaven?

DRATHRALAS: In Lucifer’s descent from the light, he took with him a skeleton key. And as king, he entrusted me with its safekeeping. If I deem it so, you will walk through those gates as though you were a righteous man, free of sin.

DRATHRALAS: Such great spirit! You will not regret this agreement. I can already see that you will make an excellent partner.

GREG: Please just stop- You alread-

SOUND: GREG CHOKING

DRATHRALAS: (TOP) I implore you to not speak ill of your new business partner. Your first delivery will be required by the first of September. And do not worry, this is not an endeavor we will take alone. To ensure your continued support, you will be in contact with my attaché.

SOUND: GREG STOPS CHOKING

DRATHRALAS (CONT’D): And do make sure to clean yourself up. It’s unbecoming of someone in business with the damned to be dressed so poorly.

SOUND: GREG QUITS FROM THE BATHROOM

TOMMY: What fucking atrocity have you been committing in our bathroom?

GREG: Uh- Well you know this this wasn’t like last time- I was- I was attacked!

TOMMY: I, I uh, don’t see anyone else in there… You sure you good?

GREG: It was the strangest thi-

TOMMY : (TOP) Strangest what? What happened to your neck?

GREG: My neck, well.. you’know… uhm…

TOMMY: Greg,You keep fucking around with that and you’ll get yourself killed, man.

GREG: Heh. Funny you should mention-

SOUND: GREG SLAPS HIMSELF.

GREG: Ough!

TOMMY: Why did you just slap yourself? Leave your fetish shit in the bathroom where it belongs.

GREG: I need to- Yea- Gonna, right. Go.

SCENE 4: INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM

TRANSITION MUSIC

SOUND: PANICKED FOOTSTEPS INTO THE BATHROOM, FLUORESCENT LIGHTS HUM ABOVE, HE QUICKLY SPLASHES WATER IN HIS FACE

GREG: Oh god what did that thing do to me?

SOUND: A TOILET FLUSHES BEHIND HIM, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

MUSIC: SINISTER MUSIC OVERFLOWING WITH STRINGS

GREG: (UNCHARACTERISTICALLY CONFIDENT) Hey do you know what time it is?

ALONE MAN: Go look at a clock, dud-

SOUND: GREG KILLS THE STRANGER PRESUMABLY WITH A FLUSHING TOILET. THE ALONE MAN DEATH RATTLES BUT CUTS AWAY BACK TO NORMALCY.

GREG: (WILTING) Do you- uh, do you know wh…

ALONE MAN: (ALMOST CONCERNED) Dude, you look like death.

SCENE 5: INT. DIFFERENT CLASSROOM

CLASSROOM AMBIANCE.

PROF INGRAM: Greg! Hey, I want to thank you. You are essentially paying me to teach this class and you do not even show up on time! I hope you all are so lucky to be paid to do nothing!

GREG: Sorry Professor! I’ll get to my seat right now!

PROF INGRAM: yeah I am sure that extra time you took getting here was for picking up a scantron and a pencil you know and not because you forgot or anything?

*SOUND: SMALL PAPER SHOOK WITH ATTITUDE *

PROF INGRAM: Hmph. Well, As I was saying, think carefully about your answers. If the answer does not jump out to you, skip it and come back to it later. And I don’t want to see one of you bubbling ‘C’ for all of them, again. (BEAT) You may now begin.

SOUND: GREG IS POSSESSED AND IS LIFTED FROM SEAT WITH A REVERBERANT SQUEAK

PROF INGRAM: Greg! Stay in your seat.

GREG: The- uh… answer was just- uh jumping out to me.

PROF INGRAM: Greg! Another outburst and you will get a zero!

GREG: (HOT ON MIC) Drathralas what is going on?

SCENE 6: EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS

SOUND: ANGRY FOOTSTEPS FROM GREG AS HE WALKS THROUGH AN OPEN AREA

GREG: I thought we had a deal Drathralas!

DAVE (V.O.): You insolent fool! I am not Drathralas. It is I, the purger of souls, the archduke of darkness, connoisseur of sin! I am… DAVE!

GREG: Dave? Wha- What the fuck happened to Drathralas?

DAVE (V.O.): You will not raise your tone towards your masters! I am his attaché to the mortal plane. You must focus on the deal, remove yourself from feeble attempts at education. Such teachings matter not to the damned.

GREG: You can’t just make me look like a freak in public! We’re not doing this here. I want to talk more about this deal with Drathralas, okay? Not you Dave Or whatever your name is. When we get back to the dorm we-

GREG IS CHOKED.

DAVE (V.O.): Know your place scum! YOU WILL SUBMIT!

SOUND: GREG AND DAVE STRUGGLE FOR CONTROL OF GREG’S BODY

SAMANTHA: Self destruction doesn’t look very good on a resume, Greg.

SOUND: THE FIGHTING STOPS

GREG: I had an itch to scratch. I I-I have this pin from the toothbrush club that hits the spot.

SAMANTHA: Oh, you’re thinking of joining the Dental Society? I haven’t been since that asshole of a president banned the use of flossers I mean what is- Nevermind- It’s just (BEAT) Hello! Welcome to the TV Station’s booth. Did you want to volunteer? You get a pin if you sign up- I know how much you like those!

GREG: Well actually I wa-

DAVE (V.O.): (TOP) You presumptuous pile of meat, quit from this discourse with this female! Such work is trivial! As your master, I am ordering y-

GREG: (TOP) You know what? I am. I hate when people don’t take a stand for what they believe. I don’t even think Obama was a good president, not even top ten.

SAMANTHA: Just sign the paper, dude.

SOUND: SIGNING PAPER

SAMANTHA: So… You and Gary are probably going to get along well. He is- uh, well not too fond of Obama either. He says it isn’t a race thing but, well, you’know… Look at Gary, right?

DAVE (V.O.): (INCREASINGLY OVER SAMANTHA) You spleeny pox-marked bag of guts! How are you to collect souls and squabble in menial public access programming! Naïve behavior! I should have expected nothing less from such a disgusting oaf of flesh and hair! I will

SOUND: DAVE CUTS OUT

SAMANTHA: Oh, and the first cast is tonight at the broadcast building. Kinda important.

GREG: Yup! Yea! Bye!

SCENE 7: INT. GREG’S DORM ROOM

TRANSITION MUSIC

SOUND: GREG QUICKLY RUNS INTO DORM

TOMMY: oh no Don’t tell me you’re back to fax the pope again. You didn’t even clean up from last time! I knew it was a matter

SOUND: GREG IS POSSESSED TO ATTACK TOMMY

TOMMY: WHAT THE FUCK GREG?! I’M NOT INTERESTED!

GREG: It’s not me! I-I-I can’t stop it!

TOMMY: Greg! Please! Suppress your urges! You can jerk off in the bathroom if you want! Just don’t kill me!

SOUND: FIGHTING ABRUPTLY STOPS. TOMMY GASPS.

TOMMY: PERVERT! GOD! That better have not been the hand you used to jerk off, you fucking freak! You need to find God you demented goblin!

SOUND: DOOR SLAMS

DAVE (V.O.): Blasted fool! You let our prey escape!

GREG: What the fuck was that?

DAVE (V.O.): You idiot he w-

GREG: (TOP) No. What the fuck was that? You don’t just try and kill my roommate!

DAVE (V.O.): All you humans do is procrastinate. I do not have such weaknesses. Demons are proactive beings. Why Drathralas insists on using such fallible creatures is beyond me.

GREG: Look. Dave. Get me Drathralas, okay? I don’t want to talk with some fucking errand boy.

DAVE (V.O.): I am not some errand boy you swine! I am the purger of souls, the archduke-

GREG: (TOP) You already did that, you idiot. Get me Drathralas!

DAVE (V.O.): (BEAT) No.

GREG: Are you, like, unable to or something?

DAVE (V.O.): I am fully capable. (BEAT) I will not have my maiden voyage into the land of the living be tainted by such squabble. Such discourse will taint my record.

GREG: You’re just as new to this as I am?

DAVE (V.O.): HOW DARE YOU ASSUME SUCH THINGS!

GREG: Well since I’m dealing with just you then- I can’t kill people I actually know. One, because I FUCKING KNOW THEM!

DAVE (V.O.): Useless human emotions. Such intrusive thoughts cloud your judgment. And what about that man in the latrine? I even showed you how to commit the act!

GREG: THAT WAS YOU?

DAVE (V.O.): Heh not some errand boy now? This is why you should heed my will.

GREG: Also! Also they are going to be able to connect me as a suspect to the murder.

DAVE (V.O.): Human laws have no bearing on the will of the damned.

GREG: I’m arguing with a fucking moron… IF I GET CAUGHT, I CAN’T KILL ANYONE ELSE!

DAVE (V.O.): (BEAT) That would be a troubling misstep.

GREG: This is what I wanted to talk to Drathralas about! Listen, it’s bad enough I’m killing people but we need to make some ground rules. One, no killing people I know. Two, no more of that- that- whatever that was in the classroom.It is too much attention already. These killings are going to have to be as humane as possible. No ax murdering or no choking people out.

DAVE (V.O.): NO DEAL! NO DEAL! NO DEAL!

SOUND: GREG IS POSSESSED TO OVERTURN FURNITURE AND DESTROYs THE DORM.

GREG: (ALMOST CRYING) JUST STOP! This isn’t going to work if you keep doing shit like this. I’m doing the hard part, I’m doing the killings! The least you can do is ride shotgun. I’m trying, TRYING to act naturally but every step you keep messing that up! How are we supposed to make this work if every five seconds my hand attacks some random passerby? You know who does that? Crazy people! Murderers! WE DO NOT WANT TO LOOK LIKE THOSE PEOPLE!

DAVE (V.O.): Fine. We shall see.

GREG: (BEAT) Can you at least help me get ready? We look like Hell.

DAVE (V.O.): Fuck you.

GREG: (Sigh)

SCENE 8: INT. TV STATION

TRANSITION MUSIC

CREAKY DOOR OPENS.

GREG: Hello? Hello? Jesus this place is a goddamn labyrinth.

SAMANTHA: You can pry that fucking rent money from my cold de- (BEAT) Oh, its you Greg.

GREG: Who did you think I was?

SAMANTHA: Our landlord has been an ass lately. He, like, doesn’t exist. We call him up and all we get is garbled nonsense. Can’t contact him but he sends collectors to- well- collect and you look like one of them. But you don’t have to worry about that. Yet.

SAMANTHA: Okay. Some ground rules: 1. Don’t go into the basement. 2. Safety is key, so yea stay out of the basement. 3. Don’t be a douche. 4. Talent is god. And your job here going forward is to do what they want. So because of that, you and I are making sandwiches and steaks and… floral arrangements tonight. Talent has been real fucking fussy as of late.

DAVE (V.O.): Murdering people does not sound so horrible now. We can kill her.

GREG: SIGH I thought we’d be doing, like, production stuff. I-I don’t know how to do any of that.

SAMANTHA: Dude. You don’t know how to make a sandwich? It’s literally just bread and other shit. Well- could be like gluten free bread which is not bread…?

GREG: Yea I know how to make a sandwich. But what kind?

SAMANTHA: Literally anything. Well, just not peanut butter. Sore subject. That’s another thing, don’t bring up peanut butter ever. You need to mention any kind of nut based butter, almond butter will do.

GREG: What happened with peanut butter?

SAMANTHA: Peanut butter and drywall don’t mix.

HEAVY KNOCKING ON A DOOR.

SAMANTHA: Shit! Greg lets go now!

OUTRO MUSIC

Episode one of the Devil’s Plaything was directed by Diego Herrera, written by Diego Herrera and Logan Strahl.
Technical Direction and Audio Engineering by Aaron Camacho,
Script consulting by Trina Umana, and music by Jess Getter.

Greg was played by Izzi Rojas
Hillbilly Preacher by Dean Storm
Dave by Jayden Mare
Gary Carrie by Kifinosi Ory
Professor Davis and Professor Ingram by Christopher Lona
Samantha by Audrey Donovan
Drathralas by Johanna Garcia and Tommy by Jimmy Leihi

With additional voices by Diego Herrera

‘The Devil’s Plaything’ was produced by Aaron Camacho, Diego Herrera, and Ernesto Luna with executive producer Izzi Rojas.

If you liked the show then give us five stars on apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get podcasts.

Follow us on Twitter @TheaterTlacuach, and Mastodon at Tlacuachetheater@podvibes.co

The Devil’s Plaything is a Tlacuache Theater Production